David Lynch Films: The Undisputed Rankings

People of the Face: In the midst of quarantine, a gentleman's mind turns to David Lynch, America's greatest independent film maker / weird painter of rotting meat. Below is my undisputed ranking of David Lynch films.

1. Mullholland Drive - I look at this movie as the apotheosis of all Lynch films that came before, synthesized into a nearly perfect gestalt. Is gestalt a word? Oh, crap am I becoming a Joe Rogan pseudo-intellectual? A bit of the Eraserhead abstract existential terror, the thematic coherence and barely hidden corruption beneath the American dream of Blue Velvet, the fractured reality of Lost Highway, the puzzle box aspect of seasons 1,2 Twin Peaks, a hammy Sting in a loincloth. The cowboy. A few of the scariest scenes I've ever seen on film. Don't go behind that dumpster, friends. Club Silencio. This movie is an all-timer, and if you want to shoehorn the images into a coherent narrative, it totally works that way too!

2. Blue Velvet - Rented this movie on VHS tape from Bohn's hardware in downtown Mount Airy, MD, which is the right way to see it the first time. Did I walk around screaming Dennis Hopper's lines at college parties? Maybe, I was very popular. Kyle Maclachlan begins his incredible journey as David Lynch surrogate, the Hardy Boy with a hankering for sado-maschosim. Sets the table for Twin Peaks, one of the most innovative and influential series in the history of TV.

3. Eraserhead - Insidious Kafkaesque imagery. Not really a pick-me-up, I'd say, but will stick with you like a unsettling leech of mystery. The menace in the sound mixing, eventually brought to Twin Peaks, did anyone do that before Lynch?

4. Inland Empire - Every Lynch movie contains existential horror, but this one may be the peak Lynch existential horror flick. Also contains a sitcom of people in rabbit suits? And Laura Dern screaming her head off. Do not watch late at night.

5. Lost Highway - Now feels like a dry run for the structure of Mulholland Drive. Sexy sax player Bill Pullman! whose personality literally fractures the film under the weight of his actions. Patricia Arquette is unforgettable as muse/victim/unstoppable force...to me, anyway, cause I haven't forgotten her and I haven't seen it since it came out.

6. Wild at Heart - Remember back when Nicholas Cage was gonna be the best actor of his generation? Moonstruck, Leaving Las Vegas, Raising Arizona, and this crazy smashed glass version of the Wizard of Oz. Willem Dafoe, the man who played jesus in two movies just before (most believably in Platoon) returns to his true aspect as the devil. Laura Dern has entered the game, my friends, and she has not left it yet.

Never Seen: Elephant Man, The Straight Story
Disappointing: Fire Walk With Me
Dune: Dune
It's a great TV show, not a movie: Twin Peaks: EVERY season.

Top 10 Sean Connery Films (non-Bond, non-Jones)

People of the Face: Now that Sean Connery has left us, let's talk about what a singular, arresting presence he was on film. If Sean Connery is in a movie, you’re watching it, right? Doesn’t matter if it’s good or not so good. You want to watch this guy do anything, even if it's some terrible studio film like "Medicine Man" "Finding Forrester" or "Rising Sun" (actually Rising Sun had its moments). Anyway, here's a ranking of my favorite, non-Bond, non-Indiana Jones Connery films. 

1. The Hill - Unblinking Sidney Lumet character study of a man who would not bend, set in an army prison camp in the middle of the desert. Connery's most committed work?
2. Zardoz - Look, they could've spent some more money on special effects, but this movie is one of the best sci-fi films of all time. Lots of interesting subtext/social commentary. John Boorman is a great filmmaker. You couldn't cast Roger Moore in this, friend.
3. The Untouchables - Ok Pal, why the Mohaska?
4. Highlander - I SEE MY CUT HAS IMPROVED YOUR VOICE
5. The Hunt for Red October - Not a deep cut, but it's a great genre piece and the only good Tom Clancy movie. Great cast. Be careful, some of the things in here don't react well to bullets.
6. Anderson Tapes - A middle-weight heist film with middle age Connery and super young Christopher Walken. Why wouldn't you watch it?
7. Marnie - Uh...trigger warning? The psychology in this movie is completely wack. The scary magnetism of Connery's character is not.
8. Time Bandits - Sean Connery cameo as the boy's surrogate dad/ King Agamemnon is the highlight of the movie 
9. The Man Who Would Be King - It's Michael Caine and Sean Connery in a John Huston movie. Look, it's SUPER racist in a "mysteries of the east / savage native" way. If you watch it, be prepared for that.
10. Family Business - For some reason when we were in high school we rented and watched this movie over and over. Is it sappy and do you have to suspend some disbelief to think Connery is the father of super jew Dustin Hoffman and grandfather of Matthew Broderick? Sure. 
11. Name of the Rose - Connery playing his sly, wise elder role. Great book, interesting movie

Honourable Mentions: The Presidio, Robin and Marian, Midnight on the Orient Express, The Rock